Day 41: Psychological Splinter

The introduction of not thinking about chocolate totally caught my eye; it’s a fact every psychology major is taught over and over. It’s called the Ironic Process Theory. Fun fact for the day.

The reading’s mention of the two extremes, spiritual pride/immaturity and self-hatred, put an image in my head of two guys in a beautiful, lush forest, nature brimming with God’s energy. One guy has a large splinter in him, and he berates himself for being so weak that he let it get into him in the first place. He beats up on himself, and the impacts of his blows just drive the splinter in more deeply. And another guy stands close by wagging his finger at him; this guy, however, has cut down every tree within a mile of him and has enclosed himself in a sterile bubble.

I’m the guy with the splinter quite often. My first instinctual thoughts and actions when I struggle with temptation usually makes things worse. The root of it is---I’m afraid: digging out a huge splinter is a long and painful process, and it means I need to admit I need help to actually change anything. But the splinter is rooted deep into who I am; any method I try to get it out will probably maim me more. =

But like NT says, God’s love will never fail where I do. If I let go of the fear and pride, he WILL reach into me and take the splinter out, because he’s ALREADY DEFEATED IT. The chapter really made me remember just how often and how badly we need him to figure out anything about ourselves and what's best for us. God---thank you for being the Way.

It’s what the song “Search Me Out” by Ivoryline is all about.

I need you to show me how / you would do this for me / Search me in, search me out / tell me everything / Lead the way, keep restraint / put to bed this sinning / Come on down / and show me how / you would do this for me / The greater you know yourself / the more darkness you’ve missed / you still find a trace of hell /

Get it out get it out / Get it out right now / While you still can / While you still can / I will, I will / trust only Your hand / to get it out. Get it out / out right now. / while you still can. /

I can’t write when I’m worried / these things inside of me / I can’t hear when I’m hurried / these things are not me / I can’t pray when I’m proud / I need you to speak so loudly in me / Keep cutting / cut out what’s left of me / that I’m holding / cause it’s still got a hold on me

Day 38: Renew My Mind

While I was reading "The Mind Renewed" and the healing of Namaan, this worship song just kept ringing through my mind:

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

A relationship with God is always moving. I can only keep moving forward or taking steps back. I'll always either be letting him fill me or blocking and draining him out. Which will I choose to do in every waking hour? Sadly, not always the former.

One thing I can be sure of is that while I live this life on this Earth, compromise will hound my relationship with Jesus, and will bite me from time to time. Reality bites. Good news is, like NT writes, God can and will pardon me. If I recognize that and pray for it from my heart again and again, he will help me back up and then REMOVE the compromises bit by bit. A constant renewal of the mind: he's constantly cleaning my hands and purifying my heart as he sets up Ben's Mind from 1.0 to 2.0 to 3.0 and so forth, as long as I keep asking him to! Amazing.


Lord, let me not be satisfied with being half-full, and may I never reject your renewal. Overflow me.

Day 37: A Healthy Diet of Sabbath

God couldn't have picked a better time to have me listen to DJ speak about what it means to keep the Sabbath. Going into the three day weekend, I was thinking "Awesome! A time to rest and renew!" Really didn't pan out that way: most of the time, I was working, turning pleasure into work, or not doing anything, yet not resting. Restless. How the heck did this happen?

This morning's sermon got me with the program. I really do idolize works: I realize I don't feel like I can be at peace unless I get everything I feel needs to be done done, be it school work, doing administrative work for Rock Show, hanging out with this person or that, or even reading supposedly for pleasure etc, etc, etc. A lot of the time I don't even think about using the time to seek God further. I even neglect doing essential things like eating or sleeping enough, which pretty much makes for a bad cycle. Nowhere in there did I just sit back and say "God's got this". This sermon had it right. I can easily say "It's in God's hands, I trust him" about stuff far away in the future, but have a really hard time with DOING the same about PRESENT activities. I'm trying to go with my own rhythm (aka plow on until everything's done), since I won't trust any other kind; but doing so will physically and spiritually kill me.

I probably should put a good amount of attention on the practice of CHANGE. I'm totally over committing by trying to wedge the "me's" in between God's will of having me rest---no trust, no freedom. SEEK probably comes a close second---I really do need to remember that it's not all about rest: it's no wonder I'm having trouble if I'm not focusing on the whole point of what the Sabbath's about!

Pearl was kind enough to share a point from your guys' Revelation study, about how "Things are not as they seem"---how the things we don't easily see can be in both triumphant and subordinate ways: Jesus has already conquered the evil forces (cue cheers), AND we can't do it without God (er...). Neglecting the Sabbath's no small thing...it's a symptom of a bigger problem. Can't not obey the 4th without not obeying the 1st.

Yep...in the life of a college kid, it's easy to fall into having a bad diet of sorts---and it doesn't end at food or drink. Having reliance on God can end up on the backburner while one dashes to clean up one clutter in corner of life and then the next. Pretty soon, we end up overweight on our own material gluttony or drained to the bone in weakness and despair. We need that weekly 6+1----the day of rest, devoted to the Father. God wants us healthy in every aspect, and I guess this commandment is an essential part of his meal plan.

To end on the positive, the concept that God has something extra saved for us that we can experience only through the Sabbath is entirely new to me. I love it...I love it whenever I have a realization about just how good a divine romance is. The more I learn, the easier it gets for me to say with a zeal "deep is the Father's love for us"!

Taking Joy In A Beating

Read through "The God Who Raises the Dead" and it made me think back to Darrell's sermon on the 1st commandment---how he calls us to ask ourselves tough questions---what gives us security and hope? What do we fear? The potential God substitutes we make for ourselves arise have their origins in the answers to those questions, DJ says. It's true---fear, fear of the loss of just about anything, haunts me at every step, and tries to rule every decision; heck, like NT says, I can't shed even told to. Why? The reading made me realize just how irrational every fear I have really is---God himself telling me not to be afraid, and I'm still worried about how that last test went? God, who created all that's around me, who's conquered death itself, who's freed ME from eternal death?

God's made his offer of freedom: and every day, I struggle with even remembering that it's there. Lord willing, I pray that faith will win out and allow me to take it. Take it and let it soak through and permeate the rest of my thinking, feeling, and worrying life.

It makes me think of Peter and the other Apostles when they are persecuted by the Sanhedrin. They are threatened with death and beaten, but they don't show fear; rather, they rejoice in the suffering! The Apostles know that whatever scary stuff comes their way, it's all subjugated by the power of God, who loves them and will not give them away to evil forces; he's already established as the one who raises the dead---"we can trust him with every lesser task that comes our way."

Indeed---trusting so that I may truly believe and be free. Makes me think:

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

In Paper Seas We Sail; The Social Letdown,

Wow. If the debt I owed God manifested itself in credit reports, I'd be continually drowning in a sea of paper, made larger by every action or thought of disobedience. And when I kneel and boldly ask for what I know I do not deserve, he lovingly takes it all, tears and burns it up, and tells me "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."

"The boldest prayer we can pray is answered because the one who teaches us to pray pays the debt himself---all of it. Whatever it is we owe, Jesus Christ has paid it all." He's got our poor selves covered, and wants us to know, accept, and live in this awesome grace. What a divine thing!

One of the growth groups I attend is currently studying James, and this last week, we got to Chapter 2, the beginning section of which James warns against favoritism within the church; it really made me think about what 57 Words had to say about forgiving others. It's true, we have a bad habit of expecting him to "forgive us our debts" and completely forgetting the "forgiving our debtors" part. It's way easier to think of extreme examples, but the smaller lapses in forgiveness are just as damaging as any---especially if you bring "forgiveness favoritism" into the mix of one's own fellowship/church. I do admit sometimes I'm more quick to forgive or let go even the most major of slip ups by good friends, while setting higher bars of expectancy for those I'm less attached to, being impatient and frustrated with them for way smaller things. The danger is clear and present---I can't truly ask God for forgiveness if I'm daring to say to him "Here, God, me, and these people over here can stand before you on the basis of the cross like me, but not those people, who need to pay up for forgetting to do this one thing for that one task." It's a real danger that I think I've felt, but not been aware of, till recently.

So God, forgive me for this debt, that I dared to try and jam my favoritism into your plan.

And if my heart is truly in it, his answer will be the same: "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."

Speaking of which, after DJ's sermon, I'm pretty I know what my main stumbling block is: social life. Time and time again, I've take this beautiful creation of God (community) and allowed it to become the wall between him and I. If my past rocky relationship with God were told as a story, my concern for a secure social life/fear of loneliness would be the antagonist. Looking back on it now, I understand now how all those times where my social life crumbled, when circles of friends disintegrated, youth groups split, and friendships withered, it was merely God striking the enemy down, removing the idol, and saving me from myself (I need to stop with the Jon Foreman references).

And boy, did he save my bacon---every single time the wall was up, I was breaking and compromising everything I supposedly was living for, just for the sake of sating my insecurities. But they WERE letting me down, my thirst for loving and being loved never sated; how twisted is that? DJ called me right out: As early as junior high,I kept looking at God through these lens: "God, you are great, and I'll love and obey you, as long as you make sure the I have friends actually caring about me". I would have only continued to put me down further had God's loving intervention not occurred every single time.

Just as Davy had to go, God had to take away a few things so I could refocus who should really be centered; and he'll keep protecting me with his jealous love as long as I live...the next time I choose not be diligent about work or neglect my rest solely for the sake of other people, he'll be there to sweep away that which can't deliver, and give me the means to renew my heart. Awesome!!! That's how he's gotten me to this point in life; heck, a similar wall was plaguing me a few months ago when I realized changes were needed, and LOOK where he's lead me now! Praise him, and may I celebrate every time he removes the drug I create.

Hi Everyone. Me+This Program So Far: Abridged

Hey guys!

For those who have no idea who this is, I'm Ben, a friend of Pearl, Zach, Mike, Alyssa and a few other Davisites you may know. I've been doing this Discipleship program throughout this Winter Quarter after hearing about how awesome it was, and I gotta say, it's been really helping me nurture my romance with God. Many new perspectives that I would never have thought of (thanks much, DJ and NT!), that had me realizing how loved I am by Him, who He is, and what it means to be in a relationship with him.

Earlier this year, I came to the realization that I've been keeping God in the back of my mind for much of my college life, only turning to him in desperation or for convenience: making him a Nanny God, if you will. And like the spoiled toddler, I never stopped to think and acknowledge that it is only because of Him, his greatest sacrifice, that I'm alive and breathing, physically and spiritually, and have purpose. I only have worth because he put it in me through his blood, emptied himself and became doulos as a means of expressing his Divinity. I didn't want to be the toddler anymore...I wanted to be a Child of God and acknowledge him to be kurios. I wanted to acknowledge the existing manifestation of his kingdom on Earth and participate in the kairos till the time of the complete unveiling. Thanks to a good conversation with Zach Evans over winter break, this stuff is now helping me learn more and more about Father, Son, and his spirit. Abba is having a party in my head as he continually moves to renew and baptize my mind (Jon Foreman song, anyone?).


While one post won't be enough to cover 26 days, there are a few thoughts that definitely stick out (you guys have already picked out the bits I've already thrown out there). Those that aren't on this post may spawn as comments on posts here and there.


Prayer has been a neglected area of my life: 57 Words has helped me realize the Swiss army knife of all Swiss army knives for all desires and needs, the Lord's Prayer, has been right there all along. Amazing that with this little collection of words, all is encompassed: one of the best gifts ever, the needs of the Christian life embodied!

It's so awesome that he puts both the "you" and "us" in the prayer: he CARES about our requests. "We can, therefore, dare to hope that when we pray something happens." Yet the way he's set up the prayer makes sure that our agendas are put in the proper perspective, to make sure I know what he's prescribed completely fulfills my needs in a way my self-medication never could! If we come to him the way he's meant us to, he has absolutely EVERYTHING covered! So do it God, your agenda be done forevermore.

I can think of so many points this last year alone where I wanted my will to be done but God simply said "I've got something else in mind" and turned my view on a situation upside down with the results of his own will. Looking back, I never once saw that the situation would have been better had it been my way---I actually saw how bad things could have turned out, that I would have thought my head had not been there at all. Recapitulation indeed!---Jesus truly is puting my head back on hour to hour, and every time I allow sin to cut it back off, he never relents, and never fails to attach it back. I imagine taking this figure of speech literally may be a bit gross, but think of how it would feel to truly lose your head, only to have sweet life coming rushing back to you through the loving will of the Father? I could think of no greater pleasure---and that's what's to come of following his will on TOP of being part of the grandest purpose in existence? Wow.

I heard Shane Claiborne speak last Wednesday, and at one point referenced how God gave the Israelites manna to eat on a daily basis while in the wilderness, but made sure they only took enough for them to eat on that one day. Yes, this illustrates how we're supposed to have a daily dependence on God...but listening about the larger issues of poverty that Shane talked about, I realized that this idea goes so much more beyond the bond of an individual and God. What if I were to say daily dependence on God is how the world was designed to work, that everyone put their trust in God for their needs, took only what they needed to get through the day, and gave all the rest to those who had come up short? That we'd all be content with praying for God to give us our daily bread (ALL six layers) and living as God's family in solidarity and gratitude? The world would be so much better if we could all be that way....but we can't, because the world is broken at the moment, spun away from his original design while greed beats need. But that's the beauty of it, right? That it's just another power that's actually already been defeated and will eventually be swept away completely by the new kingdom.

The cross=the victory, God wins with biggest contradiction ever. I'm living in the world that's been won. I deserve to be beaten and left in chains, but Jesus's crucified body forged the key that set me free: he has made me and bought me. I can run as long as I keep my eyes on the throne of grace, the one who sits upon it, my soul anchored to hope and given away to him, anticipating the great joy to come at the end. With all these things in mind, how can one not wake up every day and say "God, you are awesome, and today's going to a great day, your glory in everything!" I've said to a couple of Davis-ites that I feel like God's got me in continual spiritual optimism: I guess that's what NT Wright calls thanksliving.


Abba, you are good. Reign in us.


Hopefully as I focus on one reading at a time from now on, my posts won't be as long.

HI BEN

Hi Ben, hope you are reading this. I Look forward to this!

-Reid

Light and Life

Check this song out (link after this paragraph). The lyrics at the bottom. God is showing me freedom within obedience to the 10th commandment when I surrender. However, that commandment is terribly difficult for me to obey. And I am so thankful that he is showing me unending grace and forgiveness, as well. That is what this song is about. It's about the One who saves and it's a beautiful reminder that we do not find freedom, faith, or obedience outside of the One who saves. For this, I am so grateful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw2tOjW8Wh8

This song beautifully illustrates the truth that we were once in darkness. It carries the full sense of "BUT" so as to show that we are longer in darkness.

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness cannot over come it." (John 1)

Grace is our hope and our light... and this is the verdict: Light has come into the world.

Come join the song, lift your voice
As heaven and earth give praise
Fall to your knees, at the feet
Of the Son of The One True God
Turn from old ways, lift your eyes
For the kingdom of God is here
Open your heart, offer all
For Jesus Christ is here
Oh now

We have found our hope
We have found our peace
We have found our rest
In the One who Loves
He will light the way
He will lead us home
As we offer all
To the One who saves us

Call on the Name, that is hope
Jesus the Son of God
Lord over all, He is good
And His mercy endures
Always

His love endures
Forever His love endures
Forever His love endures
Forever and ever

I really need to internalize this quote - "when we allow anything to come between us and the living God, our hearts begin to crave anything that promises satisfaction.....we become souls running on empty desiring anything amd everything that will fulfill the hole in the soul.

Faith and Obedience

This week the ideas (and difficulties) of faith and obedience have really hit me. Here are some of my thoughts thus far.

Faith: "The call to believe that the true God, the world's creator, has loved the whole world so much, you and me included, that he has come himself in the person of his Son and has died and risen again to exhaust the power of evil and create a new world in which everything will be put to rights and joy will replace sorrow." Wright models this definition of faith on belief, love , and obedience (through repentance). I have been thinking about this a lot since I listened to Darrell talk about the 10th Commandment on Thursday.

I am so frustrated by how I lack faith in every facet: belief, love, obedience. I mean, this is nothing new to deal with. The problem is that I fall into coveting so easily within all of this. I become fed up (with my failures), determined, and thus aim to forcefully increase my belief, love, and obedience.

Lately Abba is telling me "I have created you for myself." I have been sitting with this liberating truth all week. It's sustained me, and may it sustain me forever more, as it should. I have been created to have faith like a child. As a kid, I would do everything by myself to the point of absurdity (at least to those around me). I would always talk with myself (feel free to laugh) and come up with games to be entertained. On Sundays when the 49ers would play I would grab my nurf football and play a REAL game of football while the game was on. I had the privilege of being both Steve Young and Jerry Rice since I threw the ball to myself and always scored a touchdown. In order to play defense I would become the opponent's offense and constantly fail to catch the ball or I would get 'tackled' just short of a first down. I would also ride my bike and play basketball alone. I would practice free throws and make deals that if I made 10 in a row I would get a boat when I grow up. I took it as far as to play chess against myself or a stuffed animal. Remarkably I won quite often. There is something special about those times when I was a kid. To a degree it is unfortunate that I did not have someone to throw the ball with, or shoot hoops, or play chess with. What I say next could either sound absurd or make perfect sense: I never once felt alone while doing these things. In fact, I felt the presence, pleasure, and joy of the Lord within them. There was not a thing that could bring me down in these moments. And although I was 'raised' within the Catholic church (to age 10) while having not one idea who Jesus was until I was 17, I came to know small portions of my Abba through prayer and play time all alone. I reason this because when you are truly feeling alone, there is no joy. Joy comes through community with others (such as God).

"I have created you for myself." This is the God of the universe. He created a crazy kid who has nothing to offer but a fake touchdown, missed free throw, and loner game of chess for Himself! Are you kidding me?! Could I, the 10 year old Zach Evans, offer LESS? This same God reminds me that in being created for himself, it means I am created to be filled by him and no one else. When I don't do this I stumble into making myself ruler of my life and choosing my own inhumanity (sin). Sin: "Failing to hit the target of complete, genuine, glorious humanness." With that, I agree that humanness is beautiful. May I be thankful for humanness made in the image of God. That fully human would mean faith and obedience to God, because he created us so that we need nothing other than himself -for He is the Bread of Life, the Heart-Searcher, the Life-Giver, Beloved, Lover, Love. What a fantastic Being to rely on. This tells me that I should probably be more like the 10 year old rejoicing in community with God the Creator, as opposed to the 22 year old who tries to manifest faith on his own, instead of praying in every moment of my existence, "May I decrease, so that You increase." I need to go shoot some free throws with my Abba!

Not just another book

Often I find myself tuning God out when I read scripture (possibly because I am assigned to read far too much for Religious Studies, and it becomes impossible to process). There are those times when I strike gold, and beg God to tell me more. But, the other times I tell myself the story. Naturally, this happens when I am already 'familiar' with the passage, as though I have mastered it. In any case, I have been blessed by Wright's discussion of the Bible.

Echoing from each topic he brings up is this: Let the Bible do what it is capable of doing.

I took a class this quarter that beautifully illuminated Israel's story, as it placed Paul and the early Christians as actors within this grand narrative. This book was by Wright, which is convenient for the reading of the past few days. I get so pumped when I recognize scripture as a way of offering vocation, since "the Bible is the book through which God sustains and directs those who seek to obey that vocation as intelligent, thinking, image-bearing human beings."

It's not just another book. The Bible is beautiful.

Ephesians 6:13,17 “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." "…and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

What am I bringing to the battle? Maybe I'm carrying a few pieces of armor, but I certainly see myself has getting pelted into nothing without some sort of weapon. The Bible is "energy for the task to which God is calling his people!" God uses scripture to feed us truth. When we have Truth we have a foundation to stand on (He is the Way, Truth, and Life). The beauty is not in winning debates with truth, rather it is in sharing the liberating Truth that Christ lifts up the name of God, brings God's kingdom, fulfills God's will, offers our daily bread, forgives our sins, and keeps us in safety! Truth! Fact! Count it!

“The Bible is there to enable God’s people to be equipped to do God’s work in God’s world, not to give them an excuse to sit back smugly, knowing they possess all God’s truth.”

May it be hidden not longer within my mouth. May my every action reflect the beauty and love of the risen Lord. And may I count on scripture to reveal the mysteries of God's incredible rescue of humanity. Because, it's not how he speaks through scripture... It is that he speaks through it.

I need to let the Bible do what it is capable of doing.

We're all addicts.

"Addiciton is the most powerful psychic enemy of humanity's desire for God."

If Hell is the ultimate dehumanization, then I think covetousness is one of the biggest ways we fall victim to a lifestyle that goes against out humanness, because life in subjection to addiction is one of the most hellish ways to live.

Guys, I have been running on empty for months. I am burdened by an intense dissatisfaction, because the only thing I truly have to hold on to - my Abba - isn't enough for my restless heart. And as I try to cling to all the other things I think I can or need to hold on to, I realize they will never satisfy. Why am I starving myself from the One thing that will truly satisfy?

But at the same time, all of that I kind of knew pre-yesterday. It was good to hear - it's always good to hear - but what I really, really needed to hear was the end part of the sermon.

"Grace is the most powerful force in the universe. It can transcend repression, addiction, and every other internal or external power that seeks to oppress the freedom of the human heart."

During my quiet time yesterday, I found myself literally (Bahahah, Simply Christian. Yes, literally.) weeping along with John as I read Revelation 5. The full weight of the fact that no one was found in heaven or on earth or under the earth to take the scroll hit me once again. It is so easy for me to hear the first half of Darrell's message, and to have my addictions and idols exposed to me, but so often I stop at Revelation 5:4. I leave myself sitting in despair at the sight of my brokenness.

But the Lamb! "Stop weeping; behold, the Lion that is from the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome so as to open the book and its seven seals."

So we, like all the Revelation characters, worship the Lamb who took the scroll for us. I'm realizing that the most powerful form of worship is not acted out in song or a prayer, but the decisions we make in our day-to-day lives. He doesn't want me to belt out my favorite worship songs if I'm just going to leave the service and choose my idols and addictions again. When I say no to addictions and yes to God, I give Him the honor He deserves by making Him the most important desire in my life.

I love that this sermon is coming so close to the end of our time together. I think it sums up so many other things we studied. There's the dehumanization chapter from Following Jesus, "Give us this day..." from 57 Words tells us how he provides all we ever need, Darrell's earlier sermons on the Prodigal Father show how neither son was satisfied with just the love and providence of their father. So much more is wrapped up in this commandment than we give it credit for.

Filling the Void

Last night I listened to half of “A soul running on empty”. This morning I finished it.

It’s hitting home hard.

When the sermon finished I sat listening to the emptiness of my headphones, unable to disconnect as even in the silence I could feel the words as they emanated from the ear buds and streamed like electricity into my veins and through my body.

The word of our Lord informs, performs, and transforms.

How simple the message is… we need Christ. We /need/ him. Not a flippant need, but one that defines us. I NEED CHRIST (ok, all caps probably isn’t necessary, but that’s how loudly my heart is screaming it right now). Saying that aloud is like putting my finger on the deepest desire of my heart and identifying the depth of the dissatisfaction in my life until I come to fully understand that need. And not just for me, but for society too as the droning rhythm of our daily lives groans for something more- for something to satisfy. I more fully understand my need for Christ as I more fully understand how we were created, as I more fully understand the law, and as I more fully understand the ways I break that law.

My soul has been running on empty. The tears in my eyes right now will attest to that. Tears not because I better understand how to be fully freed from my addictions, but because of how great AND deep AND wide the Father’s grace is for us. How true and pure His is love for us.

God, only you can satisfy, and only you can free us from a coveting heart. I will stop coveting when I start turning to you for everything, when I admit that I can do nothing alone, but that you can do everything. When I turn to you because you deserve all the glory, honor, and praise. When I “step out of the false center that I think I am, and into the infinite center of life”- which is you.

I turn to you because I admit that I am broken, and you are the only one who can save me. I turn to you, Yeshua, because you are the one who saves. This morning all I desire is to be loved, and this morning you are telling me how much you love me.

I give up and I give in. I am not going to fight this. I surrender to you.

Part of me thinks that Caleb Clemenents listened to this sermon before he wrote “Only You Can Satisfy”, but the other part of me knows that this is a universal message of creation and Christ and therefore Darrell isn’t the only one to stumble upon it’s meaning.

“In all of my life Iʼm searching
For what can be only found in You
Only You can satisfy
Iʼve seen what the world can offer
In all that can sway me I have found
Only You can satisfy, only you can satisfy
To live for Christ, I first must die
To all the rivals in my life
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
In everything I have in You
I find, You satisfy
In all that now lies forsaken
Nothing can match Your love for me
Only You can satisfy
Forever my heart awakened
To worship the One who sets me free
Only You can satisfy, only You can satisfy
To live for Christ, I first must die
To all the rivals in my life”

To live for Christ, we first must die.

John 12: 23-26
“The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.” (not because we are being honored, but because our actions are finally honoring the Father, inviting His honor to fill us, and therefore the real thing is inside of us).

Christ died to defeat the powers once and for all. Today I ask for death so that God may be my “all consuming passion” and defeat the “overcharged desires” within my heart.

Simply Christian - Prayer

When discussing translations of the Lord's prayer N.T. Wright writes - "But again, the precise wording doesn't matter. Don't allow the surface noise to put you off." I love the reference to surface noise. He encourages us to get to the heart of the prayer which is about God's honor and glory.

One of my favorite passages on prayer that expresses many of the themes of Chapter 12 is as follows:

Ephesians 6:18-20, "And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me that whenever I open my mouth words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should."

Paul, in chains, with the end coming quick shines sacrificial, self-giving, servant love and prays first and foremost on the Ephesian's behalf and then for greater boldness in making known the gospel.

I am challenged by the chapter to trust my new heart in Christ to freely express poetry, liturgy, sappy love songs, old school hymns, agonizing blood sweating dark nights of the soul, inward groans, and uninhibited dances of joy in a setting sun as a welcomed child with access and assurance (Thanks Darryl) at any time and in any way to the Father.

I know with my kids that as their father I listen to endless streams of knock-knock jokes and playground tales and stories of the lizard they caught and the frog that got away because I love the sound of their voice. They are a horrible source for information and yet their confession of life, love, and tragedy are my life's highest joy.

"He loves to hear us call upon his name." Lyric from Cheesy 70's Worship Tune

This Blog

I love this blog. God has used the words spoken on this blog to change my heart. I am so thankful and I want to share how this looked for me (This as been on my heart for awhile, and as I reflect and write I know I am going to get totally pumped - and I hope you do too).

When Reid sent me the discipleship schedule, I was stoked but also nervous because with Religious Studies, College Life preaching class, College Life growth groups material, this study, and my own experiences and devotional time, I thought I would experience a content overload. Because of this I shied away from developing and contemplating this study beyond reading/listening followed by a short conversation with a roommate or CL staff about it or maybe a journal with some quotes.

Almost halfway through the quarter, I learned something new and obvious. I learned about the connectedness of things through this essay I read in an education class. This essay described how education should focus on the commonalities of humanity; I thought this guy was a genius! He basically said (from his Christian background) that the educated are those who start as early as possible to see the connectedness of life; which gives meaning. BOOM! BIG Question: What the heck was I studying within these formats (RST, CL preaching and growth groups...etc) that would have led me to believe it was not connected? If I were focusing on Christ, I get the feeling I would have seen connectedness. Bazinga.

Before I noticed this, I was so frustrated with feeling like I was unable to learn or remember anything. I was reading all these wonderful books but could barely share anything. I was focusing on everything but the one who all of everything is about. Jesus! The Lion, the Lamb, God with us! I remember asking Reid before the study: What is the focus of this discipleship program? I don't even remember the answer (if I got one), but over the past few months it's so clear: Jesus. And THIS is why I love the blog! Jesus. We're talking about Jesus (not practice, not playoffs).

Reading this blog encouraged my relationship with Jesus. I had spent so much time wondering: what is this study all about? Maybe faith? Maybe mission? Worship? ...man I'm starting to lose words here, but I hope my point is coming out. I, Zach Evans, am addicted to figuring out what is wrong with myself and focusing on fixing it - a form of pride. I focus on my inadequacies and want them gone because I want to be pure. Jesus is showing me that when I do this, I don't focus on him, I think I even 'create a chasm' of shame and guilt if I don't notice my brokenness in the context of his fullness. When I don't focus on him, nothing is connected and I am lost in the overabundance of content and not the fullness I receive from Abba for me, Jesus with me, and Spirit in me. Therefore, through this study and blog, I have fallen flat on my face in worship of the Triune God. Each time anyone shares I become more in awe and more in love with our God. Each day I blog because I cannot contain, nor do I want to forget, that Jesus has me, more than he ever has before. There is always a song that perfectly demonstrates it:

I am nothing, yet you bid me,
Come to you Lord Almighty,
As I come, I am overwhelmed with you,

Humbly now I'll break this silence,
As I'm weeping in your presence,
I'm so wretched overwhelmed with You

Your blood of redemption is covering my shame,
Your voice that shakes the mountains is whispering my name,
As you catch my tears, with your nail scarred hands,

I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with you
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with you

He is freeing me from being overwhelmed by my wretchedness, which is paralyzing and a mega foothold, and He is showing me that I should be overwhelmed with Him. FREEDOM!!!!

WORSHIP

Friday's reading was on worship and how awesome was it to participate in that Revelation 4-5 scene Saturday night at the Whitcombe's! As we worship Saturday night at the christmas party i kept picturing the throne and the Lamb on it. As we closed with "Come Lord Jesus Come..." In my minds eye we were inviting the Lamb to come and Rule and Reign. Bring His kingdom here on Earth as it is in Heaven! Just really cool for me and this study has definately heightned the WORSHIP experience through voice and song for me! As we enter the final week of the study i encourage you to blog more than ever before. Let it be a time of closure on this period of study on your life. Thanks again guys for journeying along side me through this study. Your posts have been very encouraging and thought provoking! I look forward to this last week.

PEACE

Community Builder or Community Killer

This is something that I have been thinking about for awhile, and need to be more intentional about. I need to help build community, but often I am so sarcastic or deceitful that I dismantle it.

"Relationships are built on trust and trust requires telling the truth" ... "Deceit hurts community"

Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Outside of a focus on Christ, our mouths are a cesspool for terrible things. The worst part is that you can 'look good' to those around you through subtle jabs. This is a battlefield that I constantly remove from my attention. I need to be taking each thought captive and bite my tongue so as to speak truth in love.

I sat for a little while after listening to the sermon wondering about the vast number of circumstances where I belittle others or scrutinize their name (based on inaccurate assumptions on so many levels) in my heart. And I went on to think of his grace and love for all of us. I could find this to be hopeless if it weren't for one thing that Jesus keeps telling me:

"Zach, there is no mistake about it, your heart is more deceitful than anything (ouch!).... but (yes, Jesus?), I love you and I am in the process of changing your heart."

So, in this area of my life where I do not live up to the call whatsoever, what do I have? Jesus, who can handle all my insecurities. And where is a route freedom in that? Confession. The truth will set us free. Cleansing of sin will arise from confession, through our broken and contrite hearts. Against Him do we sin when we tear down names. Our God forgives and renews our deceitful hearts. When I fess up to the level of my deceit (which my knowledge only has a limited glimpse of), I find freedom because I finally find the humility to let him in (via confession) and He begins His tearing down and building up of that part of my heart. And... I love him for it; for I have found that the more I confess (AKA the more willing I am to say what God already knows I am doing), the less I struggle with it.