Wow. If the debt I owed God manifested itself in credit reports, I'd be continually drowning in a sea of paper, made larger by every action or thought of disobedience. And when I kneel and boldly ask for what I know I do not deserve, he lovingly takes it all, tears and burns it up, and tells me "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."
"The boldest prayer we can pray is answered because the one who teaches us to pray pays the debt himself---all of it. Whatever it is we owe, Jesus Christ has paid it all." He's got our poor selves covered, and wants us to know, accept, and live in this awesome grace. What a divine thing!
One of the growth groups I attend is currently studying James, and this last week, we got to Chapter 2, the beginning section of which James warns against favoritism within the church; it really made me think about what 57 Words had to say about forgiving others. It's true, we have a bad habit of expecting him to "forgive us our debts" and completely forgetting the "forgiving our debtors" part. It's way easier to think of extreme examples, but the smaller lapses in forgiveness are just as damaging as any---especially if you bring "forgiveness favoritism" into the mix of one's own fellowship/church. I do admit sometimes I'm more quick to forgive or let go even the most major of slip ups by good friends, while setting higher bars of expectancy for those I'm less attached to, being impatient and frustrated with them for way smaller things. The danger is clear and present---I can't truly ask God for forgiveness if I'm daring to say to him "Here, God, me, and these people over here can stand before you on the basis of the cross like me, but not those people, who need to pay up for forgetting to do this one thing for that one task." It's a real danger that I think I've felt, but not been aware of, till recently.
So God, forgive me for this debt, that I dared to try and jam my favoritism into your plan.
And if my heart is truly in it, his answer will be the same: "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."
Speaking of which, after DJ's sermon, I'm pretty I know what my main stumbling block is: social life. Time and time again, I've take this beautiful creation of God (community) and allowed it to become the wall between him and I. If my past rocky relationship with God were told as a story, my concern for a secure social life/fear of loneliness would be the antagonist. Looking back on it now, I understand now how all those times where my social life crumbled, when circles of friends disintegrated, youth groups split, and friendships withered, it was merely God striking the enemy down, removing the idol, and saving me from myself (I need to stop with the Jon Foreman references).
And boy, did he save my bacon---every single time the wall was up, I was breaking and compromising everything I supposedly was living for, just for the sake of sating my insecurities. But they WERE letting me down, my thirst for loving and being loved never sated; how twisted is that? DJ called me right out: As early as junior high,I kept looking at God through these lens: "God, you are great, and I'll love and obey you, as long as you make sure the I have friends actually caring about me". I would have only continued to put me down further had God's loving intervention not occurred every single time.
Just as Davy had to go, God had to take away a few things so I could refocus who should really be centered; and he'll keep protecting me with his jealous love as long as I live...the next time I choose not be diligent about work or neglect my rest solely for the sake of other people, he'll be there to sweep away that which can't deliver, and give me the means to renew my heart. Awesome!!! That's how he's gotten me to this point in life; heck, a similar wall was plaguing me a few months ago when I realized changes were needed, and LOOK where he's lead me now! Praise him, and may I celebrate every time he removes the drug I create.
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