Day 41: Psychological Splinter

The introduction of not thinking about chocolate totally caught my eye; it’s a fact every psychology major is taught over and over. It’s called the Ironic Process Theory. Fun fact for the day.

The reading’s mention of the two extremes, spiritual pride/immaturity and self-hatred, put an image in my head of two guys in a beautiful, lush forest, nature brimming with God’s energy. One guy has a large splinter in him, and he berates himself for being so weak that he let it get into him in the first place. He beats up on himself, and the impacts of his blows just drive the splinter in more deeply. And another guy stands close by wagging his finger at him; this guy, however, has cut down every tree within a mile of him and has enclosed himself in a sterile bubble.

I’m the guy with the splinter quite often. My first instinctual thoughts and actions when I struggle with temptation usually makes things worse. The root of it is---I’m afraid: digging out a huge splinter is a long and painful process, and it means I need to admit I need help to actually change anything. But the splinter is rooted deep into who I am; any method I try to get it out will probably maim me more. =

But like NT says, God’s love will never fail where I do. If I let go of the fear and pride, he WILL reach into me and take the splinter out, because he’s ALREADY DEFEATED IT. The chapter really made me remember just how often and how badly we need him to figure out anything about ourselves and what's best for us. God---thank you for being the Way.

It’s what the song “Search Me Out” by Ivoryline is all about.

I need you to show me how / you would do this for me / Search me in, search me out / tell me everything / Lead the way, keep restraint / put to bed this sinning / Come on down / and show me how / you would do this for me / The greater you know yourself / the more darkness you’ve missed / you still find a trace of hell /

Get it out get it out / Get it out right now / While you still can / While you still can / I will, I will / trust only Your hand / to get it out. Get it out / out right now. / while you still can. /

I can’t write when I’m worried / these things inside of me / I can’t hear when I’m hurried / these things are not me / I can’t pray when I’m proud / I need you to speak so loudly in me / Keep cutting / cut out what’s left of me / that I’m holding / cause it’s still got a hold on me

Day 38: Renew My Mind

While I was reading "The Mind Renewed" and the healing of Namaan, this worship song just kept ringing through my mind:

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

A relationship with God is always moving. I can only keep moving forward or taking steps back. I'll always either be letting him fill me or blocking and draining him out. Which will I choose to do in every waking hour? Sadly, not always the former.

One thing I can be sure of is that while I live this life on this Earth, compromise will hound my relationship with Jesus, and will bite me from time to time. Reality bites. Good news is, like NT writes, God can and will pardon me. If I recognize that and pray for it from my heart again and again, he will help me back up and then REMOVE the compromises bit by bit. A constant renewal of the mind: he's constantly cleaning my hands and purifying my heart as he sets up Ben's Mind from 1.0 to 2.0 to 3.0 and so forth, as long as I keep asking him to! Amazing.


Lord, let me not be satisfied with being half-full, and may I never reject your renewal. Overflow me.

Day 37: A Healthy Diet of Sabbath

God couldn't have picked a better time to have me listen to DJ speak about what it means to keep the Sabbath. Going into the three day weekend, I was thinking "Awesome! A time to rest and renew!" Really didn't pan out that way: most of the time, I was working, turning pleasure into work, or not doing anything, yet not resting. Restless. How the heck did this happen?

This morning's sermon got me with the program. I really do idolize works: I realize I don't feel like I can be at peace unless I get everything I feel needs to be done done, be it school work, doing administrative work for Rock Show, hanging out with this person or that, or even reading supposedly for pleasure etc, etc, etc. A lot of the time I don't even think about using the time to seek God further. I even neglect doing essential things like eating or sleeping enough, which pretty much makes for a bad cycle. Nowhere in there did I just sit back and say "God's got this". This sermon had it right. I can easily say "It's in God's hands, I trust him" about stuff far away in the future, but have a really hard time with DOING the same about PRESENT activities. I'm trying to go with my own rhythm (aka plow on until everything's done), since I won't trust any other kind; but doing so will physically and spiritually kill me.

I probably should put a good amount of attention on the practice of CHANGE. I'm totally over committing by trying to wedge the "me's" in between God's will of having me rest---no trust, no freedom. SEEK probably comes a close second---I really do need to remember that it's not all about rest: it's no wonder I'm having trouble if I'm not focusing on the whole point of what the Sabbath's about!

Pearl was kind enough to share a point from your guys' Revelation study, about how "Things are not as they seem"---how the things we don't easily see can be in both triumphant and subordinate ways: Jesus has already conquered the evil forces (cue cheers), AND we can't do it without God (er...). Neglecting the Sabbath's no small thing...it's a symptom of a bigger problem. Can't not obey the 4th without not obeying the 1st.

Yep...in the life of a college kid, it's easy to fall into having a bad diet of sorts---and it doesn't end at food or drink. Having reliance on God can end up on the backburner while one dashes to clean up one clutter in corner of life and then the next. Pretty soon, we end up overweight on our own material gluttony or drained to the bone in weakness and despair. We need that weekly 6+1----the day of rest, devoted to the Father. God wants us healthy in every aspect, and I guess this commandment is an essential part of his meal plan.

To end on the positive, the concept that God has something extra saved for us that we can experience only through the Sabbath is entirely new to me. I love it...I love it whenever I have a realization about just how good a divine romance is. The more I learn, the easier it gets for me to say with a zeal "deep is the Father's love for us"!

Taking Joy In A Beating

Read through "The God Who Raises the Dead" and it made me think back to Darrell's sermon on the 1st commandment---how he calls us to ask ourselves tough questions---what gives us security and hope? What do we fear? The potential God substitutes we make for ourselves arise have their origins in the answers to those questions, DJ says. It's true---fear, fear of the loss of just about anything, haunts me at every step, and tries to rule every decision; heck, like NT says, I can't shed even told to. Why? The reading made me realize just how irrational every fear I have really is---God himself telling me not to be afraid, and I'm still worried about how that last test went? God, who created all that's around me, who's conquered death itself, who's freed ME from eternal death?

God's made his offer of freedom: and every day, I struggle with even remembering that it's there. Lord willing, I pray that faith will win out and allow me to take it. Take it and let it soak through and permeate the rest of my thinking, feeling, and worrying life.

It makes me think of Peter and the other Apostles when they are persecuted by the Sanhedrin. They are threatened with death and beaten, but they don't show fear; rather, they rejoice in the suffering! The Apostles know that whatever scary stuff comes their way, it's all subjugated by the power of God, who loves them and will not give them away to evil forces; he's already established as the one who raises the dead---"we can trust him with every lesser task that comes our way."

Indeed---trusting so that I may truly believe and be free. Makes me think:

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

In Paper Seas We Sail; The Social Letdown,

Wow. If the debt I owed God manifested itself in credit reports, I'd be continually drowning in a sea of paper, made larger by every action or thought of disobedience. And when I kneel and boldly ask for what I know I do not deserve, he lovingly takes it all, tears and burns it up, and tells me "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."

"The boldest prayer we can pray is answered because the one who teaches us to pray pays the debt himself---all of it. Whatever it is we owe, Jesus Christ has paid it all." He's got our poor selves covered, and wants us to know, accept, and live in this awesome grace. What a divine thing!

One of the growth groups I attend is currently studying James, and this last week, we got to Chapter 2, the beginning section of which James warns against favoritism within the church; it really made me think about what 57 Words had to say about forgiving others. It's true, we have a bad habit of expecting him to "forgive us our debts" and completely forgetting the "forgiving our debtors" part. It's way easier to think of extreme examples, but the smaller lapses in forgiveness are just as damaging as any---especially if you bring "forgiveness favoritism" into the mix of one's own fellowship/church. I do admit sometimes I'm more quick to forgive or let go even the most major of slip ups by good friends, while setting higher bars of expectancy for those I'm less attached to, being impatient and frustrated with them for way smaller things. The danger is clear and present---I can't truly ask God for forgiveness if I'm daring to say to him "Here, God, me, and these people over here can stand before you on the basis of the cross like me, but not those people, who need to pay up for forgetting to do this one thing for that one task." It's a real danger that I think I've felt, but not been aware of, till recently.

So God, forgive me for this debt, that I dared to try and jam my favoritism into your plan.

And if my heart is truly in it, his answer will be the same: "I've got this covered. You are forgiven, Ben."

Speaking of which, after DJ's sermon, I'm pretty I know what my main stumbling block is: social life. Time and time again, I've take this beautiful creation of God (community) and allowed it to become the wall between him and I. If my past rocky relationship with God were told as a story, my concern for a secure social life/fear of loneliness would be the antagonist. Looking back on it now, I understand now how all those times where my social life crumbled, when circles of friends disintegrated, youth groups split, and friendships withered, it was merely God striking the enemy down, removing the idol, and saving me from myself (I need to stop with the Jon Foreman references).

And boy, did he save my bacon---every single time the wall was up, I was breaking and compromising everything I supposedly was living for, just for the sake of sating my insecurities. But they WERE letting me down, my thirst for loving and being loved never sated; how twisted is that? DJ called me right out: As early as junior high,I kept looking at God through these lens: "God, you are great, and I'll love and obey you, as long as you make sure the I have friends actually caring about me". I would have only continued to put me down further had God's loving intervention not occurred every single time.

Just as Davy had to go, God had to take away a few things so I could refocus who should really be centered; and he'll keep protecting me with his jealous love as long as I live...the next time I choose not be diligent about work or neglect my rest solely for the sake of other people, he'll be there to sweep away that which can't deliver, and give me the means to renew my heart. Awesome!!! That's how he's gotten me to this point in life; heck, a similar wall was plaguing me a few months ago when I realized changes were needed, and LOOK where he's lead me now! Praise him, and may I celebrate every time he removes the drug I create.

Hi Everyone. Me+This Program So Far: Abridged

Hey guys!

For those who have no idea who this is, I'm Ben, a friend of Pearl, Zach, Mike, Alyssa and a few other Davisites you may know. I've been doing this Discipleship program throughout this Winter Quarter after hearing about how awesome it was, and I gotta say, it's been really helping me nurture my romance with God. Many new perspectives that I would never have thought of (thanks much, DJ and NT!), that had me realizing how loved I am by Him, who He is, and what it means to be in a relationship with him.

Earlier this year, I came to the realization that I've been keeping God in the back of my mind for much of my college life, only turning to him in desperation or for convenience: making him a Nanny God, if you will. And like the spoiled toddler, I never stopped to think and acknowledge that it is only because of Him, his greatest sacrifice, that I'm alive and breathing, physically and spiritually, and have purpose. I only have worth because he put it in me through his blood, emptied himself and became doulos as a means of expressing his Divinity. I didn't want to be the toddler anymore...I wanted to be a Child of God and acknowledge him to be kurios. I wanted to acknowledge the existing manifestation of his kingdom on Earth and participate in the kairos till the time of the complete unveiling. Thanks to a good conversation with Zach Evans over winter break, this stuff is now helping me learn more and more about Father, Son, and his spirit. Abba is having a party in my head as he continually moves to renew and baptize my mind (Jon Foreman song, anyone?).


While one post won't be enough to cover 26 days, there are a few thoughts that definitely stick out (you guys have already picked out the bits I've already thrown out there). Those that aren't on this post may spawn as comments on posts here and there.


Prayer has been a neglected area of my life: 57 Words has helped me realize the Swiss army knife of all Swiss army knives for all desires and needs, the Lord's Prayer, has been right there all along. Amazing that with this little collection of words, all is encompassed: one of the best gifts ever, the needs of the Christian life embodied!

It's so awesome that he puts both the "you" and "us" in the prayer: he CARES about our requests. "We can, therefore, dare to hope that when we pray something happens." Yet the way he's set up the prayer makes sure that our agendas are put in the proper perspective, to make sure I know what he's prescribed completely fulfills my needs in a way my self-medication never could! If we come to him the way he's meant us to, he has absolutely EVERYTHING covered! So do it God, your agenda be done forevermore.

I can think of so many points this last year alone where I wanted my will to be done but God simply said "I've got something else in mind" and turned my view on a situation upside down with the results of his own will. Looking back, I never once saw that the situation would have been better had it been my way---I actually saw how bad things could have turned out, that I would have thought my head had not been there at all. Recapitulation indeed!---Jesus truly is puting my head back on hour to hour, and every time I allow sin to cut it back off, he never relents, and never fails to attach it back. I imagine taking this figure of speech literally may be a bit gross, but think of how it would feel to truly lose your head, only to have sweet life coming rushing back to you through the loving will of the Father? I could think of no greater pleasure---and that's what's to come of following his will on TOP of being part of the grandest purpose in existence? Wow.

I heard Shane Claiborne speak last Wednesday, and at one point referenced how God gave the Israelites manna to eat on a daily basis while in the wilderness, but made sure they only took enough for them to eat on that one day. Yes, this illustrates how we're supposed to have a daily dependence on God...but listening about the larger issues of poverty that Shane talked about, I realized that this idea goes so much more beyond the bond of an individual and God. What if I were to say daily dependence on God is how the world was designed to work, that everyone put their trust in God for their needs, took only what they needed to get through the day, and gave all the rest to those who had come up short? That we'd all be content with praying for God to give us our daily bread (ALL six layers) and living as God's family in solidarity and gratitude? The world would be so much better if we could all be that way....but we can't, because the world is broken at the moment, spun away from his original design while greed beats need. But that's the beauty of it, right? That it's just another power that's actually already been defeated and will eventually be swept away completely by the new kingdom.

The cross=the victory, God wins with biggest contradiction ever. I'm living in the world that's been won. I deserve to be beaten and left in chains, but Jesus's crucified body forged the key that set me free: he has made me and bought me. I can run as long as I keep my eyes on the throne of grace, the one who sits upon it, my soul anchored to hope and given away to him, anticipating the great joy to come at the end. With all these things in mind, how can one not wake up every day and say "God, you are awesome, and today's going to a great day, your glory in everything!" I've said to a couple of Davis-ites that I feel like God's got me in continual spiritual optimism: I guess that's what NT Wright calls thanksliving.


Abba, you are good. Reign in us.


Hopefully as I focus on one reading at a time from now on, my posts won't be as long.

HI BEN

Hi Ben, hope you are reading this. I Look forward to this!

-Reid